'Sayonara'

I haven't blogged about my last weekend (in Izu) yet, but I promise it's coming! It was an adventure and sixteen halves. Coming soon... but until then -

Yesterday I gave my final presentation and attended my sayonara (good-bye) dinner. My presentation was 15 minutes, and in Japanese. Yep, Japanese. Surprisingly, I wasn't too nervous. I've sort of stopped getting nervous about presentations because I have a reasonable amount of confidence in myself and my ability to present, and being nervous doesn't help. Just like worrying.

So the presentation went well - but it was half the time it should have been. Oops. It was 7, instead of 15 minutes. But then it ended up taking 25 because it sparked a discussion on the unit of Watt-Hour; an efficiency measurement. So...that was amusing. I explained it, and then they all discussed it and I sat and sort of giggled. It was pretty funny - some people got it, some people didn't, some people just thought it was useless. After my presentation, our manager presented me with a certificate of Internship Completion, and everyone clapped.

After my presentation, I went to sell popcorn. Presentations and popcorn? Why, you ask? Our company has quite a few labs and offices and industrial space in this area, and every year they put on a community festival - I suspect to gain the goodwill of the community and be involved (good ideas, obviously). So I put on my fancy shirt and sold popcorn. I had to teach them how. The method was to pop the popcorn (without oil) then sprinkle it with salt, and wonder why it tasted bland... so I introduced them to the importance of oil, as well as putting the salt in with the oil. Voila - yummy popcorn! Unfortunately, my popcorn time was cut short by my sayonara dinner.



We had sushi and random goodies and some laughs. The two other female members of the team and I had the grandest time, taking silly pictures and laughing and talking. And guess what. I was talking mostly in Japanese. Yay! At the end, after we cleaned off the tables, Takemori-San presented me with a picture (from Mt. Takamiyama) with notes and messages from anyone. I didn't mean to. But I cried. Just a little. I hope no one noticed. But they probably did. Then I whipped out my notes and thanked them all for everything and said I would miss them and Japan. Someone suggested karaoke, so we headed off to karaoke!




On the way, I asked people what their note said (I don't read Japanese / Kanjii). Some were simple, thank you's and good luck's. But others made me smile and cry at the same time. One of the girls said she wrote this..."Stephanie, every time see me, smile. So beautiful! Makes my heart feel warm and happy. I will miss you." Other people told me to come back, and that they had good memories with me. It was touching, to say the least, and made me want to leave even less. (Imagine that...if I could stay longer here, I would. In January I couldn't have imagined wanting to stay.)



We got to karaoke and had a wonderful time! English and Japanese songs...and I even sang one in Japanese (sort of) - they were impressed and thought it was great. It was 2.5 hours of fun and great memories, but it was still a little sad. I kept thinking about how I would probably never get to do this with these people again. I also wished I had gotten to know some of them better. There were also two university students that have just finished a three week internship, and I wish I could hang out with them more! They were a lot of fun, and pretty cute. Especially one of them - and he totally has a crush on me. Hehe. Anyways...it was a great evening, a little bittersweet, but I wouldn't have traded it for anything!








Now I am at work, on my last day...cleaning up, organizing, etc. I'm going to leave some Canadian pins and magnets with everyone and tell them not to forget me, and email me if they will be in Canada. I'm going to miss it here. A lot.

Back to T Minus...

Today, I pulled my big green suitcase and my big blue backpack out of the storage cabinets they have been living in for six and a half months. Unzipping them to open them up took me back to January, when I was packing and repacking my suitcase in Kelowna, then repacking a few more time to fit as much as I could before leaving Abbotsford for the airport. The few days between Christmas and leaving for Japan seem as if they were several years ago, not barely several months ago.

If you have read some of my earliest posts from Japan, you probably know that in January and February, I wasn't enjoying my adventures here. I was trying(really hard); and I did have some fun trips and experiences. I was tryig really hard to love it here, but it was difficult, lonely, and frustrating. In all honesty, I just wanted to go home. I considered giving up and going home - but I don't give up, so I didn't. If you had told me in January that I would write the following paragraph before I left, I honestly wouldn't have believed you.

I don't want to leave Japan. Life here still isn't easy, it can be lonely, and it can definitely be frustrating. But I don't want to go. I have managed to build a life. I have things to do, places to go, and people to see. I haven't been to Fukoka or Sapporo; I haven't finished watching Gantz with James; I haven't gotten to hang out with Nobu; I haven't learned to surf; I haven't travelled enough with my coop friends; I haven't had time to really finish my projects at work; I haven't had time to learn enough Japanese; I haven't had time to be the me that I finally found here.

Do I miss Canada? Infinitely. I miss my Dad and my Mom and my brother and my sister - I can't wait to give and get hugs from all of them, and to sit and have a face-to-face conversation, instead of a typed one. I miss my friends in Kelowna - we never have enough time to spend together. I miss my university friends...it's been 16 months, and I am incredibly excited to see them again - and all ready for more adventures. I miss my Elk Valley friends, and job, and life. I miss licorice, driving, and being able to read labels and signs. But despite all the things and people I miss in Canada - (Are you ready for this?) - if I could stay longer in Japan, I would. I almost can't believe I am saying that, when I think back to how I felt when I first got here. But I will miss Japan immensely.

Hours, days, and months pass. And suddenly, it's time to leave. I am torn between my excitement to be back home in Canada, and sadness at leaving Japan. It's actually quite a confusing mindset. I sort of feel a little lost. I am leaving my life in Japan, and going back to Canada. But my Kelowna life is now temporary (as I don't live there anymore), and my Vancouver life is non-existent as I traded it for a Sparwoodian one. So I almost feel like once I leave Japan, I will have no where to belong. (Who would have thought I would ever feel like I belong in Japan?!) Come September, I will move back to Vancouver and start into a new life - and I can't wait for that (this year at school will be awesome, I can already tell.) But for two weeks between Japan and Vancouver, I will get some R&R in Kelowna (which will always truly be 'home', but in a different sort of way), and I will be floating; between here and there.

I suppose this post is a little early, as I still have two weeks left. But the days fly by, and soon, I will be getting on a plane bound for Canada. And I'm feeling a little confused about it.

Multiple Identities

"Dissociative Identity Disorder, as defined by the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a condition in which a single person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment." - Wikipedia

Note - This post is not meant to downplay the seriousness of actual DID, its more an observation on how a person's environment affects the way they act and present themselves.

I often wonder what my coworkers think of me.

A while ago, at dinner, we were discussing bloodtypes. I've mentioned it before, but the Japanese traditionally believe that your bloodtype determines your personality. They asked me my bloodtype, and Morita-San said that he thought my bloodtype would mean that I was very serious. (No one actually knew offhand what any of the bloodtypes do mean.) It got me to thinking.

Upon thinking (terribly strenuous activity) - I came up with my own impression of my Japanese self. I think I probably come across as very serious, quiet, and somewhat shy. I don't generally talk a lot, and I don't think I smile a lot. Either because I'm feeling a bit lonely or homesick, or because I am focussing on the conversations or goings-on in an attempt to understand and participate.

Previously - I would like to think (although I don't know how accurate this is - you tell me!) that generally, I am a fun person - albeit somewhat serious when it comes down to it, I'd like to think I'm up for a good round of fun. I think I usually smile a lot, and I know I get very enthusiastic and excited about things. I talk a lot. I pretty much don't shut up, sometimes.

Further pondering had me marvelling at the effects a different environment creates - how much it can change our characteristics and personalities. Language, too, plays a big role in this. I am different here, due to the environment and language barrier. But I also think it would be difficult to really get to know my coworkers for who they are, when it is difficult to communicate. Intonations, jokes, mood, opinions - it's all distorted when communication is limited.

"...a single person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment."

Canada Stephanie and Japan Stephanie both feel that they are somewhat representative of how a person's personality changes as they interact with vastly different environments.

Just for fun...

Japanese Blood Type Personality Chart...

Type A
Best Traits: Earnest, creative, sensible, calm.
Worst Traits: Fastidious, overearnest.
Type B
Best Traits: Wild, a doer, cheerful.
Worst Traits: Selfish, irresponsible, arrogant.
Type AB
Best Traits: Cool, controlled, rational.
Worst Traits: Critical, indecisive.
Type O
Best Traits: Agreeable, sociable, an optimist.
Worst Traits: Vain, careless, ruthless.

Travel Plans and Being Content

Today is Thursday (yay)! It was hot and sunny on the way to work this morning. However, as I look out my office window, all I see is rain drops. And I can hear it pouring from inside. I'm debating my lunch time walk.

Pros: If I don't go for a lunchtime walk, I go officially and completely insane between the end of lunch and the end of the day.

Cons: My shoes aren't exactly water proof...as a matter of fact, they are getting worn and the bottoms act more as a sponge to feed water into my shoes.

So we'll see.

Tomorrow is Friday (double yay)! And I am going on an adventure. I will be visiting Hiroshima & Miyajima...I board my Night Bus at 11:50pm, Friday night. I arrive at Hiroshima Station at 6:25am on Saturday morning. Keith won't arrive until around 8am, so I'll have some time to explore. Or find breakfast. But at 6:30am, I'm not sure what will be open!

We plan to go right to Miyajima and spend Saturday there, then visit Hiroshima on Sunday on the way home. I am also night bussing home...Monday will be a long day at work.

We'll take a ferry from Hiroshima to Miyajima. I'm excited for that - I love bodies of water and I love especially the ocean and I love ferries....so could it be more perfect!? There's lots to do on Miyajima...monkeys, deer, shrines, temples, hikes, rice serving spoons, and... Maple Leafs! (Miyajima is known for maple leafs.)

I'm not sure how I feel about visiting Hiroshima. It's something I want to do before I leave Japan, but I have mixed feelings about how I will react to the stories and monuments and knowledge of the sadness and death that took place right where I will be standing. I tend to have one of two reactions to these sort of things - either I experience it all in a somewhat detached fashion, distancing myself from the reality of it; or I get very quiet and contemplative in a sad sort of way, while I try to process what I am feeling. I think that allowing yourself to feel sad (sad's not the right word, but I don't know what is) is part of appreciating what happened there, so I'm going to try not to shut myself down to deal with it.

The past week has been a little difficult for me, I'm not sure why (hence the lack of blogging - sorry), but I did have an epiphany.

Long-term speaking, this lifestyle doesn't suit me. But that's okay. I don't need to try to love it or thrive in it. I do need to learn to be content with it. So I am trying not to be bothered by my inability to flourish in the quiet and simple life I'm leading, and started trying just to be content with it, and enjoy it for what it is. Which is pretty fricken cool - I mean, I'm living by myself in Japan. That's pretty awesome.

PS - While linking to the word 'epiphany' for anyone who doesn't know what it is, I discovered that it has two meanings.
1)"the sudden realization or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something
"
2)"a Christian holiday on January 6 celebrating the visit of the Magi to the infant Jesus"

Betcha didn't know that, now, didja?! (I sure didn't.)

Avoiding Vortexes & Travel Plans

As I often do, I found an interesting and applicable concept through my internet wanderings. I call them wanderings because there are certain places I also go to, on the internet, to read and learn. Every place generally has several links to other places, some of which I visit. And then each of those places has several links to even further places. Before I know it, I am far far away from where I started, but in an interesting place where I am still learning. Today, my wanderings placed me here, reading: "Stress is a myth".

The article in and of itself was interesting, and gave me some things to think about and try to apply to my own thoughts when I am 'stressed'. However - the most applicable idea came from the comments, near the bottom of the page. A commentator, Jennifer, offers up the idea of HALT. It's simple - 'don't try to process emotional pain when you are too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.'

I've blogged a couple times about the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings I've experienced throughout my Japanese adventure, so far. Some of them are moments of pure joy, while others drag me down into the dark depths of my own thoughts and endless circle of negative thoughts and feelings. The thing about tripping into a vortex of negative and emotional darkness is that it keeps sucking you, and pulling you further in - making it harder to get out. Hopefully, I keep in mind that HALT concept, and when I start tripping, 'halt' and realize that I am probably a) hungry, b) angry, c) lonely, or d) tired, or I suppose - d) all of the above; and am not emotionally fit to try to process what I am feeling. Perhaps that will lessen the extent to which I travel into those dark vortexes.

-------- On another note.... --------

I was supposed to go hiking tomorrow, and was looking forward to it - but it's supposed to rain, so it was cancelled. :( June is Japan's rainy season...I've been told that it rains (pretty much steadily) for about 3 weeks or so. I've always liked rain, but we'll see how I feel in a few weeks!

Instead, I may try to track down a temple I've heard about in Kyoto or Nara (I can't remember which). If I do, I'll take some pictures to post! :)

Next weekend I plan to go to Hiroshima & Miyajima with a couple other coop students. I think it will be in interesting weekend. Miyajima is a beautiful island with beaches and jungles and beautiful temples. Hiroshima needs no explanation. We are hoping to camp on Miyajima for the night...I'm looking forward to getting away from the big city again for a bit!

Conspicuous

People notice me. They can't help it.

Most of the time, they just notice. Their eyes linger for a second - to notice the differences between me and the people that surround us. But usually, that's it.

Occasionally, I feel someone staring. When I lift my eyes, theirs quickly divert. Until mine lower again. Then I feel the stare again.

Sometimes, it's just curiosity. I don't mind.

Sometimes, it makes me feel like a micro-organism under a high-powered lens. So I stare back, until they stop.

Sometimes, I watch them out of the corner of my eyes; wondering what they are thinking and noticing. My clothes, my hair, my skin, the shape of my face, my height, my shoes. All the things that scream: "I don't belong here."

Party of one, please.

I woke up, and decided that it should be an extraordinary day of pleasure. Why? It's my birthday! And birthdays should always be fun.

In the spirit of pleasure, I laid in bed until I got tired of laying in bed, and wanted some breakfast. And may I say - breakfast was delicious. I had two chocolate swirled crepes, filled with fresh fruit. One fruit was on a bed of smooth and creamy tofu, the other a crunchy bed of sweet Frosted Flakes. I enjoyed breakfast along with a beautiful card and encouraging letter from my Grandma Wilson. I used my birthday money to buy some books I've been wanting...they'll be waiting for me when I get home (I can't wait!)


Fresh Fruit-Filled Chocolate-Swirled Crepes

After breakfast, I relaxed for a couple hours and chatted with family and friends - via MSN and Skype. At 11 o'clock, I headed out for a birthday swim. After my swim, I relaxed in the steam room, had a long shower, and spent 20 wonderful minutes in the massage chair.

I had lunch at a cute little cafe and opened my presents from my Mom & Dad, and Gran & Grandpa. I got a book that I am now dying to read, my favorite scent - in lotion and body wash, new socks (There's absolutely nothing better than new socks. If I could I would never wear socks twice.), and a cute shirt - along with Happy Birthday cards and wishes.


Presents, Birthday Sandwiches and a Milkshake

I sat in the stone square, in the shade beside the fountain and started my book. After a chapter and a chocolate birthday cake snack, I biked back to the dormitory.


Birthday Cake & A Good Book - Nothing could be better!

I'm watching a Nancy Drew movie - just for old times sake. I loved Nancy Drew, growing up - and read all the books I could get my hands on. Supper is in the oven, and may I say - it looks like it will be delicious!


Baked Eggplant & Beans

My birthday was extraordinary, despite the solitude. I connected with lots of family and friends, ate delicious food, and got wonderful presents. I am 21 years old, and I am living on my own in Japan. I have many people who support me in everything I do, and encourage me at every turn. Sometimes, life is tough. But it's also extraordinary.

PS - I was right. Supper was amazingly delicious. Wish I could offer you a taste test on the blog! :)

*Click on any of the photos for a (very much) larger version

Chatterbox - Mind. Won't. Stop.

I'm sure you've been in a situation where someone (or several someones) just won't shut up. Welcome to my life.

I know I generally write about the lack of interaction and communication I get, but today - I'd like to admit that there is someone in my life who chatters incessantly. She won't shut up, won't go away, won't even tone it down to a whisper. Just full-steam-ahead chattering, ranting, raving, and imagining.

I like to talk (that's no secret), and there is an extreme deficiency in my talking in Japan, when compared to my talking in Canada (that whole...other language thing). So, apparently, I have decided to make up for it. Yes, I'm admitting it - I talk to myself. Sometimes outloud, sometimes in my head. It's the 'in my head' stuff that gets me.

What do I talk about, to myself, in my head - you ask? Generally nonesense. For your entertainment purposes, some conversation snapshots are listed below (yes, actual conversations I have had with myself). Nonesense includes...arguing whether or not to do something; talking myself into or out of moods; theoretical conversations in situations such as: new relationships, old relationships, job interviews, meeting the Queen, hanging out at home, school, as a lawyer in a court case, as a student meeting a mentor, in the Amazon, as a wife, as a mother, in class, at the beach, with random people, as an animal; mentally writing: novels, self help books, biographies (as myself or someone else); what I would say if people asked me what I talk to myself; designing and inventing machines or random devices - just to name a few.

Honestly...it's annoying. Sometimes I wish I could turn my mind off, and stop it from thinking or talking. I haven't yet succeeded. If you have any ideas, let me know!

Actual conversations I have had with myself (don't laugh. okay, do. I would.):

*2 inch me hanging out in a flower with an aphid...
"Life is hard, my friend. Really hard."
"Hey - life is hard for us aphids too, you know."
"Really? How is it hard for you?"
...(conversations about the difficulty of life ensue)

*swimming; wondering what I would say if people asked what I talked to myself about...
"What do you talk to yourself about?"
"Everything...but nonesense mostly."
"Well what would you tell someone who asked?"
"Hmm...maybe I could tell them I pretended I was a whale."
"The big blue whale slowly floated through the water, wondering where it should go."
"Hm...where should I go. Oh - Plankton!"

*after work, trying to convince myself to go to the gym...
"No. Yes. No. Yes. I don't want to. I don't care. You have to. Well, you don't. But you're going go! No. You'll feel better. Don't care. Do it. No. Yes."

*my life, narrated (I do this more often than you would think.)...
"She weaved slowly through the people moving down the walkway, feeling mellow and quiet. She wondered how long it would take her to get to the gym, and when she would be home again. She glanced ahead of her, noting the funny old men who often sat by the veranda and waved as she went by."

*swimming
"It's my life, It's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever, I just want to live while I'm alive, It's my life, My heart is like an open highway, Like Frankie said
I did it my way, I just wanna live while I'm alive, It's my life!"

I'd put more, but I don't want you to think I'm too crazy - its too late, isn't it? Anyways. The point of this post is...my mind talks to me incessantly, and I can't make it shut up! Sigh. And I wonder why people think I'm a little crazy.

A Year In Review

Well, if I wasn't an adult before, I am now. When exactly does the transformation take place? And I'm not certain I ever asked to be in charge of my entire life...well - maybe I did when I was 13 or 14. But I was young and stupid - what can I say. Being in charge of your own life is hard, and I'd like to change my mind now. Dr. Dressup, apples and cheese, please.

A lot changed for me over the past year, and I changed a lot. Thinking back over the year, it went fast - really fast.

Some of it makes me laugh - like random adventures in the Elk Valley, Courtney & I's adventures in Sparlem (HA! That was one for the books), an afternoon with Michelle (one for the photo album...or not), Hynda's birthday (I'm more outgoing than I thought), love confessed in the back of a taxi (what does one say to that?!), EVCC Christmas Parties, last night out in Fernie (hehe, good times) - and infinite more.

Some of it embarasses me a bit, even now - to think of the silly things I said or did, amidst trying to navigate my way through new or difficult situations. Or just being ridiculous, because everyone needs to do that sometimes. But most of the embarassing moments also make me laugh - and I know that the majority of them, no one else would consider embarassing...just a product of the moment. And so I laugh.

Some of it makes me sad, and a bit wistful for days gone by. I said goodbye to some good things, some good memories, and some good people - more than once. Some days, I wish I could go back to any number of times and live there again, in that moment - just for a minute. One of my favorite songs is 'Starts With Goodbye', by Carrie Underwood:

"I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye."

I learned a lot this year about letting go and moving on. It's hard, even when you know its the right thing to do, and even when you don't want to. Fortunately, few of the things I've let go of haven't actually left my life, they've just changed roles - something I am extremely grateful for. Or some of them - like my life in Canada - aren't gone, just sleeping. :)

Some of the year was hurtful; things I or other people did, said, or experienced. But from those moments, I grew stronger and I learned more about myself, life, and how to live.

All the memories and experiences I accumulated over the year - happy, funny, embarassing, sad, difficult, hurtful - now, every single one of them makes me smile, at least a little bit, if not a lot. I've decided to live with no regrets - some decisions I made were good, others bad - but all of them got me to where I am now. I don't regret any of them. And I see that I've changed; a year's worth of change. Must be older and wiser, eh?

I won't try to list the names of all the people I am grateful to for their support and the roles they've played in my life - especially with regards to my time in Japan. But I appreciate it beyond what words can say.

Dr. Dressup, apples and cheese was good. But I suppose, despite the difficulties it sometimes presents, this grown up thing isn't so bad. In fact, I might even be enjoying it. :) This last year has been a rollercoaster of adventures...

Let's see what this year throws at me! Happy Birthday to me...

Me vs My Life

I was talking to a friend who also recently moved quite far from home and the life he was used to. I moved across the world and he moved across the country. But we're in similar situations, I think. Mine may be a bit more drastic (what with the language and culture change), but both of us are left in a strange place, knowing few people, and finding ourselves condemned to spend a lot of time alone.

I asked him how he dealt with spending so much time alone...he listed off things he finds to fill his time, ending with:

"I don't mind being alone - it's simple, quiet, easy to manage."

I must admit, I'm a little jealous - but him saying that did help me explain to myself why I have had some difficulty adjusting to life here and spending so much time alone.

Kyle says: its quiet, simple, easy to manage
Steph says: that's good.
Steph says: i think don't do well with quiet, simple, and easy to manage.
Steph says: i need busy, crazy, and somewhat stressful.
Kyle says: well, YOUR NOT
Steph says: lol
Kyle says: and YOU ARE

He says he understands me better than I give him credit for. He's probably right. But I figure that his two phrases in response to my two phrases is a pretty good summary.

My life here is quiet and calm and simple - I am not. Hence why we have trouble working together. But we're adjusting, and learning from each other! :)

Moms Visit - Part III

Tuesday - On Tuesday we got up (again) at the crack of dawn (for me, that meant 7:00, for Mom, that meant 5:30ish) and took off for Kyoto. Kyoto is the previous capital of Japan, and the old architecture has been quite well preserved / copied for tourism's sake. Mom and I visited Nijo Castle - a beautiful castle with amazing artwork.



We were required to take off our shoes to walk the old wooden floors through the castle. The original artwork on the doors and walls was breathtaking - unfortunately, cameras weren't allowed. The shogun who built the castle wanted to be quite sure of his safety - and incorporated two over-the-top safety features (the castle was already surrounded by large stone walls and a moat). The castle is famous for it's 'nightingale floors' - floorboards designed to creak, creating a sound like a nightingale. With the special floor, no one could sneak into a room or around the castle without someone knowing. The shogun also had hidden rooms for his bodyguards, marked by large red tassels. We saw the red tassels in several places.


Above - Nijo Jo and it's garden in the background...

After Nijo-Jo, we walked in the hot weather to Imperial Palace Park. We were quite hungry, so we stopped for a Japanese lunch of udon (thick white noodles) and fried rice. After lunch, we discovered that you can only access the Imperial Palace if you request a special permit...so much for that idea! But it was a nice walk through the park, and we had a good lunch there.

We subway'd a ways and walked some more, up to Kyomizu Temple. Since we were pretty tired and it was late in the afternoon, we decided not to go into the temple, and to do some souvenir shopping instead. (Warning: I may rant and ramble in the next paragraph...)

We visited a short but delightful shopping street with all kinds of delightful things...notebooks, art, dishes, incense, dolls, clothing, shoes, umbrellas. I was trying to decide souvenirs I wanted to purchase now to send home with Mom - less stuff for me to bring home in August! I don't remember when it happened - or even how it happened. But near the end of our trip, while I was finally making a decision, we noticed a tag or a label that proudly read, "MADE IN CHINA". Disappointed, we promptly decided that we could not purchase a souvenir from Japan that was made in China. However - this proved more difficult than we thought. Once we started checking, almost everything was made in China! I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was slightly surprised, and disappointed. The shopping street looked so...quaint and realistic. But Kyoto is a tourist district, and let's be honest - it's much cheaper to buy in bulk from China than make it! I was frustrated that I couldn't even buy a true Japanese souvenir. In the end, Mom bought a couple notebooks, and we had some ice cream. Last time I was in Kyoto, I found a beautiful little dolly, and the lady told me she was an antique. She's been on my mind since I first saw her, and I decided that instead of buying several 'Made In China' souvenirs, I would rather have one authentic souvenir. We found the place again, and I bought her. She is handmade with antique fabric - even her face was painted by hand. Purchasing a beautiful and authentic souvenir of my time here took away a bit of my frustration and disappointment in all the China souvenirs.

We left Kyoto with our (few) souvenirs, and went home, with big plans for Wednesday morning.

Wednesday - We got up Wednesday, at the crack of dawn one more time, and had another delicious breakfast. Mom finished packing her (and some of my) stuff up, and we went to the onsen for an early morning soak. We left with plenty of time to get to the airport...

Once we got there, we found out that her flight departure had been delayed by - not 1, not 2, but 4 hours! Didn't need the extra time to get there, after all... So we had a nice lunch, checked her baggage, and then did some airport browsing. We found many of the similar souvenirs we had found before...some seemed more authentic, but you never know. We shopped, then sat, then shopped some more...we explored across the plaza, and into the airport hotel. Sitting in the sunshine on some coin-operated massage chairs, I had a short nap, and Mom had a massage.




We did a little more shopping, and then said our goodbyes. I waited until Mom went through the first security check, and then headed back to the train station. It's difficult to describe what I was thinking and how I felt when I hugged her goodbye.

I felt very small, very alone, and very vulnerable, and somewhat hopeless. I made it this far, by myself - I knew I would survive the rest of my adventure here. But I suppose I had gotten used to spending most of my time alone, and having Mom there for 5 days - someone to talk to, listen to, hug, laugh with, walk with, eat with...I suppose I knew that being alone now would be that much harder than it was a week ago. Part of me wanted to book a flight home for the next day, part of me wanted to go home and curl up and cry myself to sleep, and part of me wanted to not think or feel at all. I chose the latter most one - pulled out a book, and buried my face in it on the train; so no one would ask if I was alright...because I wasn't.

It's been a week since Mom left, now. I've slipped back into my routine, but I still miss having her here. I miss Canada (I never realized how proud I am to be Canadian, but I am!), my family and friends, and the busy and active life that I am used to having. Mom and I talked some about my life here vs my life in Canada, and some of her thoughts, combined with some of my own thinking has helped me understand why I don't feel like myself, and why I am somewhat over-emotional and so up-and-down. It's encouraging to understand some of why I've had a difficult time, but it's still hard to get through those difficult times.

In 86 days, my friend Jo-Anna will come visit for a week, and then I will be home. I'm excited, but I suppose a little nervous. I wonder how much I really have changed, how much the life I had has changed without me, and how everything will fit together in the fall. But - no matter - that's not for 93 days...

Until then, more Japanese adventures to come...

Random Facts & Bookworm-ness

Today is: 5 Random Japan Facts Day...

1.) Taxi doors open by themselves when the driver pushes a button. That's right - you don't have to open or close the door, you just hop in and out. Super efficient.

2.) Bloodtype supposedly tells what your character is like - so everyone knows theirs. My friends at work were shocked that I didn't remember mine. (Find out your personality here. I'm O...judge the accuracy for yourself.)

3.) When someone sneezes, nothing happens or is said. I'm used to Britt saying 'Bless You' every time someone sneezes...so the silence after the sneeze always strikes me as odd. (Miss you, Britt!!)

4.) During political campaigns, the candidate will stand outside a train station with a van with a loudspeaker and promote themselves and their platform; and, people walk around the streets wearing matching outfits, carrying signs, and chanting something or other for their candidate. I think they'd probably get arrested in Canada for public harrassment, disturbance, or something.

5.) Drinking in public is perfectly legal, and beer can be found in any vending machine or convenience store that you see (tall cans = $300). Come on, Canada. Get in touch with the times, already.

I finished A Study In Scarlet today. I thoroughly enjoyed Sir Arthur's writing style - two stories in one. First the mystery is presented, and Sherlock Holmes solves it. Then he told the story of the culprit, and how the mysterious murder came about. At the end (and I breathed a sigh of relief at this), Sherlock Holmes explains how he solved the mystery. If there had been no explanation, I know I would have thought for hours to figure out how he did it. Turns out - his methods are quite usual, and his clues quite obvious - for someone who has trained themselves to be as observant and thorough as him. Next on the list - The Picture of Dorian Gray.

Followup: (to this)
Imagining is a lot harder than you would think! I tried to imagine on the walk to the train station, this morning. I kept getting distracted by the things and people around me. So I closed my eyes. Dangerous. I opened my eyes. I ended up 'imagining' that I was about 1.5 inches high and was hangin' out on a flower having a conversation about how complicated life is, with an aphid (who was about 0.5 inches big). I also found myself having the conversation outloud - yes, both characters. I stopped, for a minute, but decided I was determind not to be "clapped into jail by [my] consciousness". I tried imagining on the train on the way to work, but was too distracted. I tried again to imagine on my lunch time walk, and this time found myself a fish in the sea who leapt out of the water with all my might, and then found a large metal structure and gathered the other fishes for a day of olympics. This adventure included me doing cartwheels on the path beside the road...which earned me some strange looks. And I have no doubt that as you read this you may wonder if I may have started to lose any sense that I had...but! as I said, I was determind to not be constrained by my worry of other people's opinion. Having said that, I think I will try to imagine a bit more often.

However, I did realize while reading my book on the way home, that I do have a good imagination when reading. When I read a book, I get lost in the world it portrays. I can see around me, in detail - the colors, the textures, the faces, the furniture, the emotion on the character's faces. It's all in my head as I read. So I'm not too worried about losing my imagination.

Where Does The Wonder Go?

I finished Alice In Wonderland this morning...she's quite a peculiar girl. She has an incredible imagination (as I suppose most children do), but she's also very argumentative and impertinent. Granted, the creatures she's interacting with are also very argumentative and I can emphathize with her occasional frustration, but nonetheless, she's an interesting little girl. Her adventures in Wonderland made me wonder what happens to our imagination as we get older. As children, we can have hours of fun with a couple friends and a front lawn, on a playground, or in a sandpit - even without trucks and buckets. But as we get older, it seems to me that adults need constant stimulation or entertainment, and there is certainly a lack of 'play'.

In his essay Self-Reliance, Emerson writes,

What pretty oracles nature yields us on this text, in the face and behaviour of children, babes, and even brutes! That divided and rebel mind, that distrust of a sentiment because our arithmetic has computed the strength and means opposed to our purpose, these have not....But the man is, as it were, clapped into jail by his consciousness. As soon as he has once acted or spoken with eclat, he is a committed person, watched by the sympathy or the hatred of hundreds, whose affections must now enter into his account.

Children play and act freely, without regard for consequences or the opinions of others. As we get older, we allow the opinions of others to rule our actions - to a point that is detrimental, I think. We learn 'proper' behavior - what is appropriate or not, what is regarded as strange or wierd; and we live our lives by these rules.

I decided to cruise the net for some more thoughts, and came upon this article. The author provides this possible explanation: (I encourage you to read the whole article - it's both interesting and thought provoking)

Still, we might ask, why do children explore the far and fantastic possible words instead of the close-by sensible ones? The difference between adults and children is that for most adults, most of the time, imagination is constrained by probability and practicality. When we adults use our everyday theories to create possible worlds, we restrict ourselves to the worlds that are likely and the worlds that are useful. When we adults create a possible world, we are usually considering whether we should move in there and figuring out how we can drag all our furniture with us.

But for human children, those practical requirements are suspended, just as the jungle laws of tooth and claw are suspended for young wolves. Children are as free to consider the very low-probability world of Narnia as the much higher-probability world of next Wednesday's meeting—as free to explore unlikely Middle-earth as the much more predictable park next door.

What would it take to break free of the constraints of the practical and think in the realms of the possible, despite a lack of practicality; or even the impossible - what can it hurt? Thoughts? Comments?

Goal for Wednesday: Spend the train ride to work just imagining...all things possible and impossible.

PS - Having finished Alice In Wonderland, I started into A Study In Scarlet on the way home. Please excuse me if my tone and style of blogging changes as I read through different books...I have a tendancy to pick up and adapt to the writing style I am immersed in as I experience it.

Motivation Musings

The past couple days I've been pondering where a person's motivation comes from - because some days, I definitely lack it. I came to the conclusion that it comes from the people around us, and inside ourselves. Simple enough... we are motivated by the people we love, the people we want to impress, the people we want to show up. We do things to better their lives or change their opinion of us. But where does self motivation come from? What motivates us to do things for ourselves? Some days, I wake up ready to go, hit up the day, be the best me that I can be, etc, etc. Other days, I just don't care. I suppose that self-motivation comes from a sense of pride in who we are and what we can accomplish, or have accomplished. But how do you find that, on the days when you just don't want to get out of your nice, warm bed? I had more thoughts on this, but they got muddled in my head. Oh, I've also determined that sleep has a lot to do with motivation.

rabbit trail---> Speaking of sleep, did you know that regularly getting less than 6 hours or more than 9 hours of sleep can cause you to gain weight? Interesting, hey? Random fact of the day. <---end of rabbit trail

I think that a large part of the reason I often don't feel motivated to do certain things, here, is because there aren't people I know in my day-to-day face-to-face life. I have great connections and communication with home (which plays a huge role in my motivation, I think) - but as far as face-to-face interaction, on a daily basis, it's pretty limited. So that leaves a lot up to self-motivation. I've never needed to motivate myself before, I am usually just motivated.

Well I'm off to work...feeling half motivated, today. :) We'll see what I can accomplish! I think this post was a little strange and ramble-y, but I'll post it anyways. Sometimes rambling is good?

Appreciation & Budding Flowers

My time in Japan so far has given me a greater appreciation for several things – these are just a couple.

1) The most important thing I’ve come to appreciate more is connection with other people, specifically friends and family, but also just people in general! I never realized how difficult life can be without someone to connect to. Everyone needs someone to talk to and spend time with, and I think I’ll view people in a different light, now – with that in mind. I think the worst kind of lonliness is being surrounded by people every day, but not connecting with any of them.

2) I’ve also come to appreciate my family and friends more – “You don’t know what you got ‘ til it’s gone”. I was never one to miss my family much – I’ve always been pretty independent and unreliant on them. I’ve figured out, though, that independence doesn’t mean you don’t still need your family! I’ve definitely needed my family and their support while I’ve been here, and I miss them more than I ever thought I would! I’m proud of my family and who each of them are, and I love them a lot (and I’m not really a lovey-dovey person, so that’s weird for me to just say).

3) Self-strength is a huge thing for me now, too – to get through the difficult days without giving up. It’s hard to push yourself when you feel lonely and depressed, and don’t really want to do anything. But endurance and perseverance are something I’m learning and trying to implement, even when I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed with a big tub of chocolate ice cream (or rice, because you can’t buy tubs of ice cream here).

I think it will be interesting to look back to January from August and see what I’ve learned and how I’ve changed. I was looking forward to this experience as ‘an opportunity for personal growth’. In the first month or so, I definitely wasn’t feeling personal growth, just loneliness and homesickness. My Mom (being the sweet mommy that she is) told me that I was like a flower (hehe), and you can’t always tell that flowers are starting to bloom and change, but when you look at them later, there’s been change and they’re beautiful. So – I’m a flower, and I’m going to learn and grow while I’m here. When I come back in August, I will be a better flower!